Resident Evil parodies: Part Two
by Af Spirit
Summary: I am doing an unrelated story to the last one but once again, a rewrite of every game! Jill sandwiches , annoying merchants, dumb Barry and klot of other stuff! Based on a you tube video series my homey does. Rated M Chapter 5 is up!
1. Jill Sandwich

_Hey people here is an unrelated RE rewrite! Part two. I'm just mainly doing this cause I am novelizing a You Tube RE parodies. Anyway I hope you find it funny! I'm adding some of my touches to spice it up but otherwise this is my friends story. Anyway this may be a bit short so my bad on that one. _

_Afro_

Wesker looked at the Alpha Team members as they all stood in the office of the Raccoon Police Station.

Wesker had a serious look on his face. "Bravo Teams helicopter crashed in the Forrest yesterday. We will begin to search for them now."

Chris raised his hand. "Uh...if they crashed yesterday, why are we waiting until today to look for them?"

Wesker remained silent for a second then said, "Well...I had a date yesterday. No more questions! Let's move"

They all fire up the chopper. They arrived and Wesker looked and said, "Take us down here." He looked and saw Brad was snoring. "Oh yeah...Brett Farve...that's it...suck it...no no...leave the helmet on..."

Wesker glared. "Wake up you fool!"

Brad woke up with drool in his chin. "I wasn't sleeping!"

They land and Joseph finds a dead chopper pilot in the field and picks him up by the head. Joseph called to the others. "Hey look, I found a beer!" He took the beer from the dead chopper pilot. Wesker looked back at him. "That's no beer. That's a fanta!"

Suddenly four annoying girls appear and start singing, "Wanta fanta Wanta fanta wanta fanta!" Chris pulled out his gun and shot all of them. Wesker took the Fanta from Joseph. Joseph is then attacked by zombie dog. Chris, Jill, Barry and Wesker run to the helicopter. Chris pounded on the glass door. "Brad! Wake up!" Brad snored.

Chris pounded and said, "I will fucking kill you!"

Barry added, "I'll rip out your chicken heart and sodomize your corpse!"

Brad woke up. "Oh no! They're angry with me!" He took off in the helicopter.

Joseph was still being chewed on by the dog. "Oh fuck I should have taken the beer! Superman, save me!"

Superman replied, "I can't. My powers were a burden so I gave them up. Everybody knows what happens when you give up your powers." He rolled away in his wheelchair. Spiderman was chilling n a tree. "Help me!" Joseph yelled. Spiderman blew smoke. "I'd love to but I smoked a fatty and now my spidey senses are slow and I'm too lazy. Still think pot is cool?"

Joseph died.

They all run to the mansion. Barry looked around and said, "Why is there a scary ass mansion in the middle of the Forrest? There better be a kicten!"

Wesker replied, "That's Umbrella's secret lab...uhhhh. I mean...I don't know."

A gunshot is fired.

Jill asked, "What is that?"

Barry shrugged. "A rap video?" Chris huffed ad said, "I'll go and check."

Wesker stopped him. "Wait...give me your gun."

Chris replied, "What for?" Wesker glared and put his hands on his hips. "Are you questioning your superior officer? Hand it over!" Chris handed him his Beretta. "Yes Captain." Wesker told him, "Now you can go!"

Chris heard more gunshots. Kenneth fired. "What the hell? Someone put blanks in my pistol!" Chris bursted in and said, "Hmmmmm...armed black man and a white ma with blood on his face." Chris stabbed Kenneth and said, "Damn it! Stop resisting arrest!"

Kenneth groaned in pain. "I'm a cop you idiot!"

Chris looked at him. "Really?"

Kenneth showed him his badge. "My mistake friend. I thought that was the star of David." Chris told him. The zombie began to eat Kenneth. Chris put a hand on the monsters shoulder. "Sir...I'm gonna ask you to chew your food and do it with your mouth closed. Its very rude."

The zombie turned to face him. "Oh my God! You're pale and you have blood on your face! Its the Joker! Run like fuck!" Chris ran.

Wesker turned to Barry. "Now you go. I'll stay here with Jill."

Barry nodded. Jill said, "I'll go with you Barry."

Wesker sighed. "Damn it...okay. I'll stay here...alone...by myself...alone."

Jill and Barry went into the big door. The sound of a clock ticking filled the room. Barry observed. "A dining room. Good. That means the kitchen is nearby." Barry walked forward and found a puddle of blood. "What is this?"

Jill asked, "What is it?"

"Blood...wait it could be..." Barry tasted it. "Nope. Its blood."

Suddenly a zombie opens the door. "Run Jill! Its the joker! He's insane!" He fired his Revolver six times until it dies.

"Let's report this to Wesker." Jill told him. They headed back to the main hall.

Barry yelled, "Wesker! Maybe he went to get us some pizzas! He did look preoccupied!"

Jill looked around. "Let's go look for him and everybody else."

Barry nodded. "Okay. I'll search the dining room."

Jill gave him a funny look. "Why? We just came from there. He clearly isn't there!"

Barry told her, "Yeah but maybe he went to the kitchen to heat the oven for the pizza! He might have went to Papa Murphy's. I have to find out."

Later after Chris has met Rebecca he finds her with her wounded Bravo team mate Richard. "Hey, what happened?" Rebecca looked up. "He got bitten by a snake. He needs serum. Can you bring some?"

"That makes sense. Not only are there zombies but now snakes too and you want me to look for serum?" Chris said angrily.

She asked. "Do you have anything else we can use as serum?" Chris searched his inventory. "I've got heroin. Sweet Georgia brown. Good shit."

Rebecca thought it over. "I think that will work!"

Richard groaned. "I was better off smoking blue herbs!"

Jill walked into a room and the door locked and the ceiling began to come down. "Barry help! Its Jill! The door is locked!"

Barry replied, "Is that you Jill? What happened?" Jill saw that the ceiling was nearly about to crush her. "I'm about to die! The ceiling is coming down!"

Barry rubbed his beard. "Whoa. This room is dangerous! Stand back!" Barry pulled out his gun but then said, "Wait...is that really you Jill?"

Jill groaned in frustration. "Barry open the door you fucking retard!" The ceiling was only a few feet more until it came down.

Barry shot the door. She came out. "You were almost a Jill sandwich."

Jill was curious. "I thought you were going to the kitchen?"

Barry sighed. "Yeah...I need a key...damn it!"

Forrest walked into a room and saw a crow. "Hey Forrest. Gimme your credit card. Oh yeah and the numbers." Forrest ran. He was just about to get to the door when Barry opened the door and hit him in the face. He stumbled back and fell off the balcony. Barry looked around and the crow said, "What's up?"

Barry shrugged and left.

Chris, Richard and Rebecca looked for an alternate route. They see a gopher in the hall. It turned around and stared them down. "Run! Its the dramatic gopher!"

Chris tried the 1st door. Steve Urkel stood there. He pointed at Richard's wounds. "Did I do that?" Chris shut the door. "Wow this mansion IS full of monsters!"

Chris tried another door. He sees Rick Astley there. "Never gonna give you p never gonna let you down and hurt you." Chris shuts the door to silence the singing. Chris sighed. "Guess we gotta kill the gopher."

Jill entered the room and saw Richard. "Jill be careful. There are demons all over this mansion. A giant monster tried to get me!"

He looked and saw a snail. "There it is! Run like fuck Its a snail now!" Jill stood there looking annoyed. "Its not that big? That's what tried to kill you?"

Richard looked at the snail. "Well it was bigger when I faced it earlier..."

The Snail charged toward Jill. Richard dived in front of it and it grew big, ate him, and shrunk again.

Meanwhile Chris went off on his own again and as he came through a door was grabbed by the throat. "Who are you?" It was Batman.

"Uhhhh..I'm Chris. You're Batman?"

Batman nodded. "We're all heroes. There is Jack from 24 and Mario."

Mario said, "Itsa me! Mario!" He spreaded his butt cheeks.

Jack looked at Mario. "You look Arab. Are you a terrorist? Damn it! Tell me where the bomb is damn it! I only have one day to find it! Damn it! I haven't slept in 72 hours thanks to the crystal meth! Damn it!"

Batman nodded to a guy in red. "Oh and that's Dante."

Dante grinned. "Hey, you're pretty sexy. We should go back to my place."

Chris noticed a British man. "Is that...?"

The man nodded. "Bond. James Bond. You may remember my movies because I have gadgets."

Batman scowled. "Hey I have gadgets too."

James Bond finished hiis sentence. "Yes but I also love the ladies."

Batman shrugged. "You got me there."

James Bond said, "Yes. I'm quite superior."

Catwoman chimed in. "No. I'm the best!"

Jack shouted, "Enough! You're all terrorists!" He shot Mario and then Dante charged at him with his sword. James Bond shot him. Bond laughed. He turned the gun toward Cat Woman but she scratched him. James Bond fel bleeding. "Told ya I'm the best. Not just the best her but the best cat woman. Michelle Phiepher can kiss my black ass."

James Bond coughed blood. "I always knew. I knew it would be a pussy that finished me."

Jack turned the gun toward her. He fired but not before she cut him in half with the whip. Chris looked at all of the dead bodies. "Great. Now I have to kill those zombies myself. Fuckin great..."

Wesker watched from a monitor room. "Just as I planned." He laughed. Somebody shouted from the back. "Damn it, mother I'm trying to work!"

Jill managed to get hold of Brad on the radio. "Jill its Brad. I'm flying over the Forrest looking for you guys!"

Jill replied, "I'm in a mansion. I think I'm near a helipad...Brad? Hello?"

Brad is asleep...

Chris entered a room to find Rebecca there. "Hey Chris? Did you find anything?"

Chris shook his head. "Not much. Just Richard's half eaten corpse. You?"

Rebecca shook her head. "Not much. Just this ugly plant."

The plant said, "Hey bitch, I'm beautiful!"

He grabbed both of them with his tentacles.

Chris sighed, "Aw god damn it!"

Later Jill and Barry found a cave. "Rebecca!" Enrico said.

Jill told him, "I'm Jill."

Enrico scoffed. "Whatever bitch.. Anyway that's not important. Somebody here is a sandwich!"

Barry stepped forward. "Who is it?"

Enrico, "Fuck I meant to say traitor." He slipped and fell over a taco and died.

Barry gasped. "Oh my God! Somebody is a traitor! Dropping a taco for him to trip on...what a waste of good food..."

Meanwhile Chris and Rebecca walked into a room where they saw Jill and Barry. "Hey Jill. I'm glad you're okay. I was afraid Wesker betrayed you resulting in a fight in which both of you fell out of a window leading us all to believe you were dead but really you survive and he uses you a a test subject in Africa and controls you with a mind control device that he puts between your sweater meat and turns your hair blonde..."

Jill said., "Uhhhh what?"

Chris said, "Nothing. I'm just glad you are okay."

Later Chris arrived in the lab to see Wesker pointing a gun at them. "Oh my God! You're the sandwich?"

Wesker laughed. "Yes. I planted beer in the Bravo helicopter and then invited the super heroes to a super hero party that didn't exist. Sure they killed themselves but it was their egos that did them in. Now nobody will stop me!"

Jill demanded, "What are you planning?"

Wesker told her, "I will steal the research and let the tyrant kill me. Then I will come back to life from a special virus...wait wait...forget that. You didn't hear that part. I just came to steal the research and sell it on Ebay. Anyway here is the ultimate life form." He showed them a test tube with a giant banana inside of it.

Barry whistled. "Wow you are crazy!"

Wesker slapped his own fore head. "Damn! I meant this one." He showed another test tube. "Tyrant!" It stabbed Wesker.

They all ran.

Meanwhile the gang came to a button as they waited for the elevator. Barry looked at a button that said DON'T TOUCH. "What's this for?"

"The self destruct system has been activated! All personal must evacuate!"

They took the elevator down. They could heard Brad in the chopper up ahead. The tyrant breaks out of the ground. "Give me your credit card number!"

Chris called, "Brad! Give us the rocket launcher!" Brad snored.

"Wake the FUCK UP!" Chris yelled. He fired three shots. "Sorry I was just resting my eyes!" Brad protested.

Chris ordered, "The rocket launcher numb nuts!"

Brad dropped it and it fell on the tyrant killing it by crushing it.

They flew off in the chopper as the mansion exploded. "Good work team! Another day, another case closed!" Brad cheered. Chris glared. "You left us for dead...remember?"

The scene cut to black but Brad can be heard talking. "I'm sorry guys! I was really tired! I was listening to Al Gore's speech on the radio and then I had a turkey sandwich."

The sound of punches and kicks and Brad screaming is heard.

TBC...

_Okay ppl that's the first chapter! I hope you liked it! Weed is a plant that makes you pretty duh so forgive me if its silly. Anyway please let me know what you think! R&R! Constructive critics but no flaming! I will do the other games. _


	2. Resident evil 2 parody

_Hey people chapter 2/Resident Evil 2 here! haha. I hope you like it! As I said, its based on a you tube series but I got the okay from the user. Anyway regardless I'm adding some touches. Hope you find it funny! Okay so there is one joke that I held onto from the old one, the period joke. LOl only that one! Anyway R&R!_

_Afro_

Leon pulled up in a jeep. He found a woman laying in the middle of the road. There is a pool of blood. "Wow. She's really drunk..."

Several zombies staggered toward him. Leon looked ad said, "Wow more drunks! There must be a keggar. I know its my first day on the job but if I find it, I am so there!"

The woman said, "I'm a zombie you nimrod! So are they! Why do you think I'm laying in my own blood?"

Leon shrugged. "I thought maybe it was that time of the month."

The zombies replied, "What are you stupid? That doesn't make any..."

Leon interrupted, "What are you twelve? Once a month in the most beautiful cycle, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butt hole!"

The zombies didn't know what to say. "Ummm...get him!"

Leon spotted one of the zombies was wearing a T shirt that had P Diddy and Biggie Smalls. Leon pulled out his gun.

He said, "How dare you wear that shirt? This is a small mid western town! Not Mid East! This one is for you Tupac...death row!" He fired and hit them with several shots. Leon backed away firing. "My fo fo make sure all ya'll kids don't grow...thug life!"

Claire walked into the diner. She sees a man bent on the floor chewing on something. "Hey, what are you eating?" She asked curiously. The man turned around and saw that he was a zombie. Claire took off.

She bumped into Leon outside. Leon said, "We have to get to the police station. I'm Leon."

They ran out to the police car and Leon started to open the door but a cop moaned, "Hey...get away from here...that's my car..."

Leon was silent for a moment then said, "You know what comes after Asphixy 7?"

The cop, who was bleeding badly, shook his head.

Leon yelled, "Asphyxiate!" He pulled off his belt and began to strangle the man. They got in the car and drove of. "My name's Leon."

Claire replied, "Mine's Claire. I came to find my brother."

The zombie in the back seat said, "Well I just came for a sing along. Would you mind putting in this Journey tape for me?" He handed Leon a tape. Leon crashed the car so the zombie flew out.

Later Leon arrived at the police station and went into a room where he found an African American cop with a party hat on, a party blower in his hand, and blood on his uniform. "Sorry Leon. We started the party earlier. Anyway there's more surprises coming your way. "

Leon looked at him and said, "Holy fuck its Denzel Washington!"

Marvin shook his head. "No, Denzel is out in the hall. You should go find him while we get your surprise ready."

Leon ran outside. Then he came back to see Denzel Washington standing next to the wounded officer. Leon yelled, "Denzel!"

Denzel said, "Leon, you need to know what's happening in town. There's been a viral outb..."

Marvin cut him off and said. , "Leon, if you go out into the hall again, there's another Denzel Washington with two penises!"

Leon ran out yelling, "Double dong Denzel!"

Marvin grabbed Denzel and threw him out of the window. "Goodbye asshole!" He shouted and as Denzel landed outside which was on the same floor as the office, there was a loud explosion and Denzel died.

(That was a joke cause he always is in action movies, hence the explosion.)

Leon came back. "Say maam, what's the meaning of this? Denzel wasn't in the hall! That was Tripple dong Wesley Snipes!"

Later on...

Claire had a gun pulled on her by the chief. "Nobody's gonna leave my town! Everybody is gonna die!"

Claire said, "What?"

Chief Irons repeated, "I said everyone's gonna die!"

Claire shook her head. "Yeah that's not what I meant. Who the hell are yo? You just came into this creepy dungeon and pointed a gun at me and said that."

Irons replied, "Said what?"

Claire repeated his words. "Nobody is gonna leave my town! Everyone is gonna die!"

Claire looked at the dead girl. "What's with the dead girl?"

Irons shrugged. "To think Taxidermy used to be my hobby."

Claire still didn't get it. "That doesn't really explain why she's naked and dead and there's a bulge in your pants."

Irons looked down. "Well as I said it was a hobby. Dead chicks rule! Think about it! She has all the boobies and ass of a hot girl but with none of the pillow talk! Its great!"

Claire was silent. Then she said, "Well why didn't you become a taxidermist instead of a cop?"

Irons frowned. "Well when I was a cop, I always got the hot babes calling 911. Every time I get there, they are either totally fine or dead. Either way there's gonna be some fondling." He smiled as he said that.

Claire told him, "I'm at a loss for words...why did you make taxidermy a hobby?"

Irons perked up. "Well my grandfather died and I missed him so I decided that for my own parents, I would keep them with me always. I'm actually starting a taxidermy business called parents forever. That there is my father. Mother died so now I'm just waiting for you to die."

There was an elderly man chained up. "God get me outta here! This man is a lunatic! I'm not your dad or your grandpa! You just kidnapped my wife and I at gun point! "

Claire looked at him in shock as she saw he had a compound fracture. "My Gd! He hurt you?"

The old man nodded and pouted to reveal his red lips. "He made me wear lipstick too!" Claire looked back to see Chief Irons grinning at him, with his lips which was more creepy than if he had shown his teeth. Irons raised his eyebrows twice at the old man.

Chief Irons fired his gun and killed him and said, "Silly old people with their war wounds from Vietnam and their rancid ball sacks."

Suddenly he was pulled down by something. A few minutes later his half eaten torso was spit back up. William Birkin in his transformed state looked at her with blood caked around his mouth. "What? I was hungry! If you're wondering about the blood on my mouth its that time of the month. That is why his butt hole tasted less like donuts because of the blood flowing from his butt hole. Ah the things that are screwed up by periods..."

Claire ran back into the hall. There she saw Mr X, the creepy guy in a trench coat who was bald. Sherry stood by Claire's side. Claire turned to him. "Why are you following me?"

(These jokes about religion are all just based on stereotypes obviously so no offense.)

Mr. X smiled. "Because I'm a part of a religion and I'm trying to convert you. But I won't say which one. Am I a Muslim?" He slapped Claire and then punched her. Then he shouted at her in Arabic.

Then he fondled Sherry. "Or am I Catholic?"

Sherry screamed, "Om my God! Claire, he touched me in a naughty place!"

Mr X screamed, " No I didn't! Jesus touched you in a naughty place!" Then he began to kiss her and said, "Thy will be done."

Claire said, "Okay that's just wrong. Let her go."

He did and said, "What I'm only human! Its not the Catholic church that's the cause of molestation! Its too many sexy children! I can't tell you how great it is! When a 12 year old girl showers she could just as easily be a twelve year old boy! Sherry may be 12 but she tastes 8!"

Then he began chewing on a piece of bloody skin. "Or am I Jewish?"

Claire stared in disgust. "That has nothing to do with Judaism."

Mr X sniffed. "Actually it does. You see we Jews use the foreskin as chewing gum."

Claire

Meanwhile Ada kept running from Leon. "Damn it Ada! Come back here! Why do you keep running?"

Ada replied, "Because I'm complex, pretty and have abandonment issues."

Suddenly two shots sounded and Leon jumped and tackled Ada and takes a bullet for her. "Leon! I won't let you die! Wait a minute...are those Designer shoes she's wearing? I have to talk to her."

Ada followed Anette and Anette pointed the gun at her. "You'll never get the G virus."

(Flashback.)

Hunk and his men came into the room where William Birkin was watching himself on TV. On the TV screen it showed his eyes turn red as he injected himself. One Umbrella mercenary had an MP5. Another was holding a Gatling gun. "No! I don't wanna!" William shouted and aimed his gun but the guy with the Gatling Gun fired and hit him.

Mr. X cornered Sherry. Sherry kicked him in the balls and he fell into a hot swimming pool.

Leon was awake. It was two hours after he got shot. He walked up and saw Annette pointing a gun at him. "That's my G Virus!" She said!

Leon looked at her. "Uhhh.. you're already holding it."

She yelled, "Mine!" Her eyes went bloodshot.

Suddenly a pipe fell on her. Leon held the virus. "Now its mine. A virus that can bring back the dead? I am so taking this to the pawn shop! Oooh its pretty colors! I love needles!"

Later Leon walks across a balcony and Ada pulled a gun on him. "Give me the G virus." She was then shot by Annette and Annette fell dead. Leon screamed, "Ava! Wait that's not right...what's her name?"

Ada fell from the balcony. She was caught by Wesker. Her eyes looked at him with lust and love.

Leon looked at the virus. "This is your fault!" He threw it. Hunk was down below and he caught it.

Later on Claire was heading back to the train where Leon and Sherry would be. Suddenly Mr. X jumped up and roared. "Wait...if he's a monster why did he just growl like a T rex?" Claire wondered.

(Seriously see RE 2 to see what I'm talking about.)

The tyrant Mr. X advanced toward her. "Have you figured out what religion I am? I could be Jewish due to the really small penis!" Indeed it was small because it was 25% off and Jews like everthing 25% off.

"Or am I a Muslim as I am on fire? Maybe I just became a martyr?"

Claire just stood there. "Or perhaps I'm a Christian because I rose from the dead! The fact is, it doesn't matter. All paths lead to God!"

Claire asked him, "Even Buddha?"

Mr. X said, "Nope. Not them. So basically every Asian is going to hell. Pretty much, Muslims Jews and Christians will enter heaven. You however wont. Because you know what Muslims Jews and Christians all agree on?"

Claire thought about it. "The dome rock?"

Mr X replied, "No. We put sluts like you to death! By stoning!"

Claire smiled. "Cool! I like getting stoned."

Mr. X threw a rock at her. "No! This stone!" Ada tossed a rocket launcher and said, "Use this!"

Claire took it and fired and blew him up. Claire looked up. "Actually this scene makes more sense with Leon" Claire said.

One minute later...

Claire Leon and Sherry are on the train. They heard a thump. They all investigated. There they saw the mutated blob of William Birkin.

Sherry ran to the control room. "I wonder which button is the right one? Maybe its this one?"

"The self destruct system has been activated! All personal must ejaculate...aw god damn it! I meant evacuate."

Leon, Sherry and Claire ran from the train and it blew up. Claire said to Leon, "Where do we go from here?"

Leon turned his back to them. "Its up to us to save Umbrella."

Wesker crept up in the bushes and snatched Sherry. Then he brought her to Ada. "Now we are a family."

Sherry remembered the Mr. X creature. "What religion are we?"

Wesker laughed. "Catholic"

Sherry screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

(End credits with cool rock music.)

_Okay that was all ppl! Sorry if its short but I'm just writing it as s! Let me know your favorite parts! Please R&R! Again, these are just humor so I wasn't serious about the race or religious jokes. _

_Afro Sprit_


	3. Resident Evil 3

_Hey people here goes RE 3 Nemesis underway! This may not be as long as I'd hoped so please forgive me but I am writing as it is with some extra jokes. Anyway it seems to be going okay so far so at least there is that. Meanwhile I'm gonna do a reference with Barry to that old game Dig Dug. Anyway please let me know what you think! Also, the Barry reference is involved with Howard University a real life, national black college. So as I said I'm ripping on all ethnic groups, through this parody as well as the RE characters themselves. _

_ Enjoy!_

Jill made her way past the hordes of zombies. She walked into the bar to see Brad playing a video game in which he was playing as Carlos. He was opening firing with a gun. Each sho that hit a zombie dog, its growl sounded as though it was growling the words "Butt hole...butt hole..."

(Am I the only one who notices that & the T Rex roar?)

Jill looked at him. "Brad, what the hell are you doing?"

Brad stared blankly at the screen. "I'm playing a game."

She scoffed. "There a zombie outbreak outside!"

Brad replied, "There's a zombie invasion going on right here too! I'm almost done! Plus this bar has ice cream cake! Whoa...dude...Joan Rivers has had too much plastic surgery! Or is that Mickey Rourke?"

Jill yelled, "Brad, the people of Raccoon!"

Brad protested, "But Ice cream cake!"

Jill sighed and began to walk out. Brad was killed on the game as Carlos. Brad said, "Wait! Jill don't leave me all alone!"

The Nemesis had killed Carlos in the diner.

"Okay but we need to head the to the RPD station. It'll be safe. I'm pretty sure nobody else thought of that." Jill told him. Brad set the game down and shook his head at the screen. "Bummer. That Mexican just became another inner city statistic."

Jill and Brad arrived at the RPD station. Nemesis jumped down from the roof and made a big hole in the pavement. Nemesis got up from the hole muttering, "I weigh too much. I gotta lay off the pound cake."

Brad took one look at him and had a heart attack. Hence his name chicken heart. He went out according to his nickname.

Jill later arrived at the diner. "Hmmm. I swear I've seen this place before. Oh my God! You're the guy in the video game! Wait...I thought you were black...Brad mentioned an inner city statistic."

Carlos shook his head. "No If that was true, I would have died five minutes before Brad. I'm Carlos. All the ladies love my accent. Stick around, its for a limited time only!"

Jill looked at him funny. "What does that mean?"

Carlos grinned. "It means, first I'll identify as South American but then I'll lose my accent and I'll be Native American. This will all be revealed with he release of the Nintendo Wii. Which sucks by the way. Seriously, Chronicles of Umbrella is like the only m rated video game they have!"

Jill replied, "Chronicles of whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

Carlos scowled. "My accent is very unique. It will not be what it used to. Much like Native Americans here. Most people call me Hispanic but I speak several languages. How do they know I speak Spanish? It could be Portuguese I speak! You don't know! Olivera is my last name & that is Portuguese! All Americans assume we are Latinos simply because we speak Spanish! I am a victim of colonization!"

Jill turned her nose up and told him, "Well if it wasn't for us, you wouldn't have Christianity which saved your souls. Also, you wouldn't have reservations. Which WE gave you by the way!" Carlos pistol whipped her. Jill fell to the ground. When she came to she looked at him. "You want to repeat that, holmes? Don't you know I'm Loco? I'll cut you Ese!"

Jill looked up at him. "Who are you? I love your accent."

Carlos nodded. "That's better."

Meanwhile Barry was downtown at the Raccoon City sperm bank. The lady behind the counter asked him, "So, if you don't mind mmy asking, what made you come in today?"

Barry had a flashback. "Back when I was at Howard University, I needed money to pay my tuition."

Barry walked around campus. He had a large afro as well as an afro pick in his hair. He also wore an African dashiki. He found a flyer. "Need money for bling? Donate yo sperm! I can do that!"

Barry burst into his dorm room. "Check it out, homie! I can get paid for what I do everyday in your shampoo bottle for free!"

His black room mate who also had an afro looked up from his homework.. "You did what?" There were three babies inside of his hair.

(I know that makes no sense but its a parody. It doesn't need to.)

Barry finished telling the story of his flashback. After he was done he walked outside of the bank and saw a woman dressed in a mini skirt and a crop top. He looked around nervously and ran back inside of the sperm bank. He came back out five minutes later zipping up his pants. Then he spotted a little girl covered in blood as she held her dead cat which had been run over. She was crying. This aroused him.

Barry ran back inside the bank. He came out again, another five minutes later to see an old man with an oxygen tank walk by. Barry groaned but then ran back into the sperm bank. He came out another five minutes later and was sweating as he zipped his pants. He then saw a group of zombies eating the old man alive. Barry yelled, "God damn it!"

He ran back into the bank for another donation. As soon as he came out of the room he saw a masked gunmen pointing a pistol at the woman behind the counter. "I don't understand, why don't you want the money?" She asked, trembling.

"I'm not gonna tell you again, lady get one of the sperm samples now!" He barked. She did so and he told her, "Now drink the sample!"

She shook her head. The man stepped closer. "I said, drink the sperm! I will fucking kill you if you don't drink it!"

She is on the verge of tears but she obeys. The robber takes his mask off to reveal it is her husband and says, "See honey? Was that so hard?"

Meanwhile Jill found the cable car. "I'm Jill." She said to the man with white hair. "I'm Nicholai. Now, we need a few things before you ride this cable car with us."

Jill showed the items she had. "Gasoline, battery and a cable?" Micholai stuttered, "Uhh... no. I require...a sippie cup full of breast milf from a Cambodian woman."

Jill was cunfused. "Why?"

Nicholai aimed his M-16 at her. "Damn it woman! The need of the few out weigh the needs of the one!"

She went to go get what he asked for. Mikhail then woke up. "Wait a minute...I remember how I was wounded...I got shot...no...fire...fire!"

Mikhail groaned. "Nicholai...I need some pain relief. Please get me first aid spray and I will not question your orders...I promise I will not."

Nicholai said, "Oh I know you won't comrade. I know you won't..."

He poured some liquid into a napkin and put it over his mouth. He struggled for a moment but then the wounded UBCS mercenary went to sleep. Nicholai grinned. "And now to erase your memory of this entire conversation..." He began to remove his clothes.

Carlos walked into an office and saw a wounded mercenary. "Kill me...before its too late." He begged. Carlos shook his head.

"I can't."

The man begged in pain, "Please...hurry..."

Carlos yelled, "No!" He fired, his Assault Rifle. He let off fifteen rounds. He then looked to see that he had not hit him at all but had hit a water cooler which was now leaking all over the floor. Nicholai fired from outside and killed him. "If I can shoot Afghan women and children I can shoot armed mercenaries."

(Cold war reference.)

Later Jill walked past some windows, carrying Cambodian breast milk. She walked into a gas station. She was then pistol whipped. Nicholai walked into the back holding his lighter. Suddenly he was charged by zombies. He dropped the lighter on the floor and ignited some spilled gas. Jill managed to escape by jumping out of the window just seconds before the building blew up in slow motion.

The station blew up several times, each time, from different angles. Jill then looked back and laughed in Peter Griffin's voice. "Hehehee... Hollywood."

Jill ran back to the trolley. "Carlos...Nicholai... is..."

Carlos replied, "What? What it is it? I'm gonna tell you what I tell gay people even though its against their policy: Spit it out!"

Jill replied, "He's toast."

Carlos perked up. "Really? What kind of toast?"

They started up the trolley. Just then they heard something. Nemesis was in the car. "Jewwwwwsss...uh...I mean...Staaaarrrrrs."

Mikhail fired at him. Jill looked at him and said, "Ah hell. Looks like you have it covered. We'll just be in the other room watching TV."

She left. Mikhail was then punched by Nemesis and his head hit a window. Carlos yelled from the front of the trolley, "Hey, can you keep it down back there? We're trying to watch Sanford & Son!"

Mikhail pulled the pin on his grenade. "I'm not Jewish. I'm Muslim!" BOOM! Just then they realized they were about to crash. Jill yelled, No!" The trolley crashed. She was knocked back. She looked up as she weakly stared and said."No...not...the TV...need...Redd Foxx..."

She passed out.

Later Jill and Carlos came outside to where the tower is. "We're safe! Its finally over...down here!" She yelled jumping up and down. Carlos watched her breasts as she jumped up and down. "Hey amigo! Be sure and take your time getting down here!" He yelled. The pilot laughed. "I know, bro. I see em."

Suddenly Nemesis yelled, "Staaaaarrrrs...of David..."

Carlos yelled, "Hey man, shut the fuck up! I'm checking out Jill's sweater meat!" He said and turned his attention back to her breasts. Nemesis fired his rocket launcher and blew up the clock tower and narrowly missed the chopper. The chopper did, crash into the side of it, however and the chopper began to swerve out of control as it began to fall & go out of sight.

The pilot still looked at Jill's breasts. Just then Nemesis stabbed her in the shoulder . Carlos began to open fire. "Why did you stab me in the shoulder?" She asked. Nemesis replied, "Because that's how we reproduce uh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh!"

Carlos yelled, "No! You made her stop jumping!" He fired his Assault Rifle. Nemesis aimed his rocket launcher at him. Jill passed out but as she did, she cried out, "He turned it sideways...that's a kill shot..."

The blast knocked Carlos out. Nemesis moved toward Jill but was knocked out by a flaming object. The pilots head. It struck him like a meteor.

When he woke up he got up and found Jill lying there. Carlos looked at her. "She's like a girl in a pretzel store. She's about to get assaulted." He said with a grin.

He went to find the virus. As he did he heard shots being fired. "No don't shoot!"

Carlos looked and saw Nicholai had shot a black man, also UBCS. Carlos looked at him. "What's going on?"

Nicholai said, "Uhhhhhh we're uh...playing house."

Carlos got a look of confusion on his face. "Phil Hartman's house." Nicholai explained. Carlos nodded. Then he said, "Wait a minute! This isn't SNL!" He tossed a grenade at Nicholai. Nicholai then tossed it back. Then Carlos tossed it to him."This isn't hop potato!"

Nicholai threw it at the wounded mercenary. The wounded mercenary pulled the pin. Then there was an explosion. Nicholai flew out the window and was about to hit a tree which would surely break his neck but then a spider web was placed in front of him. "Spider man?" Nicholai asked. Spiderman nodded. "Everbody gets one. Tell him, Peter."

Peter shrugged. "Apparently everybody gets one."

Spiderman snapped his finger. "Bingo."

Carlos then got the cure and began to head back. As he entered the place where he had Jill holed up, Nemesis burst in from the ceiling. It began to choke him. He opened fire even as it did. Nemesis whipped him with his tentacle. "Ew! He just tried to reproduce with me!"

It began to try and strangle him. "I just want to know where the Starrrrs are."

It threw him and began to charge at him. He dodged and it crashed into the dining room. The sound of dishes shattering, and then a cat shrieking was followed. The a baby crying.

Carlos gasped for breath. His throat hurt. His voice now sounded different. It sounded southern. Like he was from Texas. "Damn it, Bobby! Don't masturbate to guys!" He said in his southern drawl.

(King of the Hill.)

Carlos then ran into the shower after looking at his shoulder wound. He then scrubbed himself off in the shower and sobbed loudly like a girl. He groaned, "You scrub and scrub but you just can't get his smell off of you!"

Carlos ran in and gave Jill the cure. Jill said, "Damn it Carlos did you do something funny to me while was out?"

Carlos shook his head. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, because my period stopped and my mood keeps getting worse." She grabbed a beer bottle and broke it and put the glass toward his throat. "I'll cut you ya dirty Polack!"

"Plus I can't stop eating!" She shoved an entire sandwich into her mouth."

Jill sighed. "Also Because I can't stop throwing...ahhhhhh" She vomited. "Throwing uhhhhhhhhhh" Another spray of vomit came out. "Can't stop throwing...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." More proctile vomiting. Jill collapsed. She threw up one more time up in the air and then it landed back on her.

Finally the time came for them to escape. They headed for the helicopter but Nicholai pulled a gun on them. "I'm going to kill you. Or fuck you Or fuck you and then kill you. Or kill you and then fuck you."

Just then Nicholai was knocked out from behind by Nemesis. He started to move toward them. "The truth is, I don't like Jews. Or their starrrssss."

Jill began to shout at him in Hebrew as he moved toward them. Suddenly he was shot from behind. They looked up to see a spaceship had fired upon him. "Yee haw!" The Falcon then flew away.

Jill stomped on the dead nemesis's head and yelled, "Mozel tov!"

Barry then picked them up and they began to fly away. "Barry where were you this whole time?"

Barry nervously said, "I was uh...reading...the bible...?"

The nuke went off and began to head toward Raccoon but then it changed direction and headed for Silent Hill and then blew up. Jill looked at the explosion. "They bombed the wrong place!"

Carlos shook his head. "Could you imagine if this country fought wars like that?"

Barry called from the cockpit, "What happened?"

Jill said, "They got the wrong city. They blew up Silent Hill." Barry began to shake. "Thousands of people? Just blown up? Kids and old people's flesh peeling off of their face?"

Jill responded "Yeah. Are you okay?"

Barry was sweating. "Yeah...you sure Raccoon is still there?"

Jill nodded. Barry sighed in relief. "Good cause we're making a quick detour. I need to drop by the sperm bank..."

TBC...

T_hat's all for this chapter people! Sorry if this wasn't as funny but its been the least funny of the videos too. Anyway yes, I referenced Star Wars, and Family Guy as well as Spiderman. Speaking of which, the whole prolonged duhs and what's, is kind of off Family Guy (Chris Griffin) and Drawn Together as well. Anyway regardless I hope you enjoyed!_

_R&R!_


	4. Code Veronica

_Hey people I'm glad you are enjoying this so far! I am now doing Code Veronica X! Sorry it takes a while but I got a lot on my plate. Anyway I hope you like this. Note that all races are made fun of if it wrks into my story so there is no group I don't bash at some point! Some jokes from the last one may occur but its mostly this being based on the you tube series. Anyway regardless enjoy!_

Claire ran down the hall as a helicopter fired after her. As she ran down the hall, she wondered, "Why the hell are they trying to kill me? I mean, I didn't do anything!"

As she ran, P Diddy followed her. "Hold up! Girl, you in the spot light! Let me ride your coat tails! After all that is how I got famous off Biggie!" Claire is still not being hit. "Damn! How can she run so fast? It must be those tight pants..." The chopper pilot complained. Claire is then clothes lined by Rodrigo. "Don't move." He said. P Diddy arrived behind her. "Ah haha I told you that we won't stop said I told you that we won't stop..,... The chopper pilot shot him, opening fire and killing him. The chopper pilot threw up the West Coast hand sign.

"That was for you, Pac. Death row!"

Claire is placed in a chopper and has a lack bag on her her head. One of the guards laughed. "Just think, if we did this to Kate Beckinsale she'd be a lot more doable!" This was followed by laughter. "Your ID number is WKD4496. Welcome to your new home." The theme song from Oz begins to play. Claire said, "Hey don't I get one phone call?"

The guard took the bag off her head and said, with excitement, "Who ya gonna call?"

Another guard said, "Ghost busters!" The guard scowled at him. "Where did that come from? She's gonna call her lawyer. That was just stupid what you said."

Claire nodded. "Yep. I'm gonna call Johnny Cochran. Best lawyer ever." The guard had a puzzled look on her face. "Who's that?"

Claire rolled her eyes. "You haven't heard of him? He's the guy who got OJ Simpson a not guilty verdict!" Rodrigo chimed in, "Uh, I think he's dead."

Claire looked at him, "Really/? I thought he's supposed to die in 2005? This is the late nineties..."

Rodrigo yelled at her with his eyes bloodshot from yelling so intensely. "But this was written in 2011!"

Rodrigo said to the guard, "Knock her out." The guard looked up at him nervously. "I can't hit her. She's a girl!" Rodrigo snorted. "Just pretend its your daughter." The guard hit Claire with the butt of the Rifle. She later awoke to a cell. She pulled out her lighter and thought, "Wonder where I can buy some rolling papers around here..." Just then she saw Rodrigo's face. "Jesus Mexican Christ!" She exclaimed.

Rodrigo let her out. "Get out of here. This place is finished. Ever since Motel 6...oh by the way, I'm out of medicine. Can you get so more from me? It'll be a guy named Jamal, cell block D." Claire saw that he had the last of the medicine chopped up in neat lines. "Jamal...hmmmm. He'll give you hemostatic medicine?"

Rodrigo sad, "Hemostatic...right...yeah...that's the stuff." He said as he sniffed a lot. Claire started to walk out and saw his name. "Rodrigo, huh? Talk about a stereotype..."

Rodrigo exploded, "Stereotypes? I'll show you stereotypes!" He punched her and pulled out a knife. "I'll fuckin cut you homes! Don't fuck with me, Ese, I'm El Choco! I'm fucking loco holmes!"

Somehow in the midst of the encounter he managed to tie a bandanna on his head.

Steve was in the shower of the prison and just about done. Suddenly the soap fell from his fingers. He had seen enough movies to know he shouldn't bend over to pick it up. "Soap drop, nigga!"

He looked behind him and saw a big black man who looked big enough to be on steroids. "We don't waste no motherfuckin soap in here. Now pick it up!"

Steve was nervous, "Uh...I'm all done now."

The man shook his head. "Nah, nigga you aint clean. You aint scrubbed behind your ears. Look at me, all glistening and clean. They should call me the health inspector!" Steve watched as the water and soap dripped down his body and eventually over his dick and balls. "Now pick it up!"

Steve looked at the soap nervously and didn't know what to do. Just then he got an idea. He began to kick the soap to thee edge of the shower until he reached the wall where the faucet was. He was pleased with his idea. He slid down the shower wall to grab the soap, his ass, was thankfully to the shower wall so he would not get any anal loving from behind.

Just as he started to get up, he saw three prisoners in his face with their hardened Johnson's an inch from his face. Steve's screams were heard all over the island.

Much later...Chris was facing Alexia and she was in her bug form. He saw three weapons he could use. There was a Linear Launcher, a Gatling Gun, and a can of bug spray. Chris took the bug spray and sprayed. Alexia dropped dead. Chris ran to his escape and saw him holding Claire. "Move." He said. Chris chased them. "I don't get it! You have a family with Ada! Why take my sister and try to date Alexia?"

Wesker looked back at him. "I can have many wives. I am a Mormon."

Chris shrugged. "Well, that sounds awesome! A religion with a bunch of wives? I don't see any reason why Claire wouldn't be okay with you under your care!"

Wesker had a serious look on his face. "We don't allow caffeine or booze."

Chris shook his head. "No booze? My God. What kind of monster are you? Let her go Wesker, you don''t want her!" Wesker threw her at him and she crashed into him. They went through the wall. This caused a ceiling pipe to collapse and burn Wesker's face. Half is burned off revealing a red eye like a light and a metal endo skeleton underneath. Wesker spoke now in an Austrian accent.

"I'll be back...for vagina..."

Meanwhile Claire landed on top of Chris. Suddenly romantic music played as she landed on him. "No! Cut! That scene is supposed to be with Steve! Who the hell is our director?"

They looked to see who the director was, a southern white man. "Never mind, I guess there are Resident Evil fans in the south. Carry on!" The southern man laughed as the siblings French kissed. "Hehe git R done!"

Claire ran to the plane. Chris did a heroic jump and landed on the wing but unfortunately, crushed it. Chris looked down as the clock counted down from 30. "God damn it!"

Just then, they were grabbed by a man in red. They were taken outside the base and placed in a web. "Spider man? Thank you!"

Spiderman nodded. "Everybody gets one."

_TBC..._

_Okay I thought this one in particular was kinda lame so I added few Family Guy lines to it as well as the shower scene from a Boondocks episode. I added the other risk besides bending over to drop the soap myself. Some times FACING your problems tur bad :P_

_Anyway I can promise the one for RE 4 & 5 will be better. _

_Afro _


	5. Resident Evil 4

_Hey people I am glad ya'll think this is funny so far. I took a bit but now the next chapter is under way! I hope you enjoy this and I would like to know your favorite part as usual. Rain fox always does a good job cause usually she quotes it. I love that :P Now most of this is still based off the you tube vids but I did add my own twisted bits to it as well. _

_Anyway have fun reading._

(Annoying Spanish music and guitar plays.)

Leon was in the back of a vehicle. "I'm gonna save the presidents daughter Cause I'm here."

The Spaniard up front laughed. "All by yourself cowboy? We're going to wait here for you. We don't want any parking tickets."

The other Spaniard turned and said, "We are policia. They will not give tickets to us! Your last name may be Espinoza but it should be Goldstein because you are cheap!"

The driver flipped him off and went outside to take a leak. As Leon walked by he said, "Dude, that is a sweet penis!"

The other Spaniard said, "You forgot your make up."

Leon looked back at him. "Make up? That's not mine! I'll uh...take it anyway...just in case Ashley needs it...or something." He snatched it and ran away.

Just then Leon got a call on his radio. "Good god! What is this damn superior alien technology? Are you here to invade earth? We don't have any oil or weapons of mass destruction. At least not in the West where God pays attention. If you go to Arab land you'll find it."

"Leon, I'm Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be your escort on this mission."

Leon grinned. "Escort? Oooh. I've always wanted a classy whore."

Ingrid said, "No, I'll be your guide."

Leon said. "Oh! Okay...uh...never mind that last bit then. I need a description of Ashley so I can find her."

Ingrid told him, "That won't be necessary. When you hear her voice, you'll know its her." She cut transmission.

Meanwhile Ada checked her PDA. "Hello Ada. Have you managed to arrive in the village?" Wesker asked.

Ada nodded. "Yes. Why is it called Pueblo? I mean what the fuck? That just means the village in English. God those are some lousy writers we have."

Wesker told her, "Never mind that. That is a question neither you nor I am at liberty to ask. Now I need you to retrieve the sample."

Just then the transmission cut off. "Ada? Hello? Are you there?" Just then the sound off the annoying Spanish music from the start came through the speaker. "Damn it!"

Leon investigated a room with a cupboard. He opened it and out fell a man with duct tape on. "Jeez I knew porn in Europe was kinkier over here but who knew!" He took the tape off the guys mouth. "Oh my God! Its Antonio Banderas! I fucking loved you in that movie Desperado! You were also adorable as Puss & Boots!"

Luis grabbed him hard by the balls. "Give me a smoke or I will kill you!" Leon pointed his gun at him. "You have exactly ten minutes to take your hand off my dick."

Just then a big man with one red eye came in the room. "Great...the big cheese."

Leon looked at the man. "That's not cheese. That's Santa clause!"

The Big Cheese said, "I'm not Santa Clause!"

Leon sighed. "Well now I know you aren't! Santa Clause isn't Mexican!" The big cheese kicked him.

Later after Leon had escaped his ropes he went outside. "Welcome stranger. See anything you like?" The merchant opened his robe to reveal he had no clothes on. For some reason his penis was erect. "Damn! Wait let me try that again. I forgot I smuggled the weapons in up my ass. Force of habit in prison."

He opened his robe and this time he had tons of stuff in there and an Xbox 360 fell out. "Got a selection of good things on sale stranger!"

Leon scrolled through the inventory list. There was an Xbox 360 on sale for 24000 Pestas, a copy of Resident Evil 5 for 3000, a Jill Sandwich for three million which showed an image of a turkey sandwich with Jill between the bread, in her S.T.A.R.S outfit. Leon decided to buy a rocket launcher for 120,000. "Not enough cash stranger!"

Leon tried to buy it again. "Not enough cash stranger."

He tried again. "Damn it, I said not enough cash!"

Leon went and began to sell his pistol. Then his shotgun. "Hehehe thank you." Leon sold his make up. "Ahhh! I'll buy it at a high price!" He sold it. "Hehehe thank you."

He went back to the buy option. He looked at the two options between the Rocket Launcher or the Broken Butterfly. He couldn't make a choice. Leon thought, _Damn! This reminds me of that other time I had to make a tough choice!"_

(Flashback.)

Leon was in a movie store. He was holding two movies be he couldn't decide which one to go with. He had in his left hand ERNEST GOES TO REHAB FOR HEROIN. and ERNEST DOESN'T GO TO REHAB SO HE GETS HIV FROM SHARED NEEDLES "Attention shoppers the store will be closing in five minutes." The lady on the PA system said.

Leon looked at the two movies. . "No!"

(End of Flashback.)

Leon decided to buy the copy of Resident Evil 5. "Hehehe thank you."'

Leon tried to buy the rocket launcher. "Not enough cash, stranger!" Leon scowled and pulled out his knife. "What the hell? Give me my weapons back!" He stabbed the merchant in the throat and took his weapons back. Leon got an evil smirk on his face as he held his rocket launcher.

Later Leon got to the church. Ashley yelled "HELP!"

Leon held his ears and saw a drop of blood on it when he put them down. "Ah god damn it! My ears! Shut up! My father sent me here to rape you...I mean rescue you...damn I always get that wrong!"

Ashley looked at him. "So you're my hero?"

Leon nodded. "Yeah and all the hot babes want me to rescue them but I usually get there too late so they are usually either totally fine or dead. Either way there's always some serious fondling." He said with a smile.

As they ran from the church Leon began firing his pistol at villagers. "Haha! I learned that from my biggest inspiration! Colombine High School..."

Soon however more villagers swarmed toward them. Including one with a chainsaw. Ashley yelled "LEON HELP!"

The villagers head exploded and the chainsaw man cut his own head off starting by chopping his own ears off. They ran through the village and burst into a cabin. "Leon!" Luis held an Xbox 360. "Its game time."

Leon smiled holding Resident Evil 5.

(Castle scene, Salazar.)

Later on, as they made it to the castle Leon heard a creepy laugh. Leon looked up. "What do you want, old man?"

Salazar laughed. "Did you say old man, Mr. Kennedy? It may come as a surprise but I am only twelve years old!"

Leon looked at Ashley then back at him and shrugged. "Well all children are pink on the inside."

Meanwhile Ada was in a room up on the ceiling hiding from some monks and the blind man with the claws.

Wesker was still hearing the annoying Spanish music even though there was static on the screen. "Let's see if this works." He typed in some buttons on a panel. "Ada. Can you hear me?" His voice blared from the PDA. The monks looked up at her. "Hiesta!"

Ada sighed. "God damn it."

Meanwhile Leon and Ashley walked through the castle. Just then a monk grabbed her. "Leon help!" She cried. Leon chased after the monk who ran through several doors.

(Benny Hill theme music.)

Leon chased after the monk who began to run toward a strip mall in the castle that had a store that said Acme Medical Supplies. He came out with Ashley but rolling away in a wheelchair. Leon chased the monk into a pet store. The monk came out still holding Ashley but was riding atop a large kitty cat and was whipping it like one would a Husky. Leon purchased his own cat and gave chase. He followed it into a Chinese place called Wok This Way. They all came out eating Chinese food in a box with chopstick. They finished eating and the monk grabbed Ashley again and ran again as the Benny Hill theme played.

Finally he followed them into a movie theater entitled JULIA ROBERTS IN CANCER BABY. They all walked out crying. Finally Leon shot the monk.

(Luis Death Scene)

Luis was impaled from behind through the chest by Saddler. "Damn it, you're hurting him!"

Saddler grinned. "I'm also doing to him what they do to all prisoners in the showers. Is just the plagas version."

Leon pulled out a rocket launcher. "Damn those cruel French bastards! R.I.P. Antonio Banderas! I'll always remember Zoro!"

He fired and killed Luis.

(Salazar Scene.)

Salazar and his two guards were jerking off in a circle with their hardened members pointed at Ashley. "LEON! DON"T HELP!"

"oh...this is akward...um...I think you've lived long enough!" He pushed a button and one of the guards fell through the floor and was impaled below. "No more games! Kill him! Kill!" The other guard jumped below as well. "What the fuck?" Salazar screamed. "Dude, I thought you Germans were more chill." Leon said.

(Ada, Leon scene.)

After having gotten a ride on Ada's boat Ada stood up. Leon zipped us his pants and grinned. "Thanks for the ride. Ada stood up. and aimed her rapple gun. "See you around." Leon stopped her. "You forgot these." He handed her, her black panties. She took them and fired her grapple gun. The sound of it going up could be heard but then a body fell and hit the boat. It was Sherry and the grapple hook had gone through her head.

Later Krauser was tossing a knife up in the air. "What's the news on our friend Leon?" Just then the knife hit the cieling and they heard a scream and blood dripped from the ceiling. "Ahhh! Damn it! There's a knife in my foot isn't there?" He screamed.

Ada looked at Krauser. "He's not making it easy."

Krauser looked up and said, "Did I hit somebody? I have poor eye sight. That's why I couldn't even do kareoke. I tried to do that song Tequila? Couldn't do it."

Later Leon was walking on a platform when Krauser jumped toward him. He landed on him. "Been a long time, comrade." Leon grinned. It sure has. They kissed. "How 's that arm of yours?" He asked. "Still like to get crazy with that thing? That was one hell of a Yom Kippur!"

Much later Krauser stood on top of a roof. "Where's Ashley?" Leon demanded. "Prepare for your death Leon!" Krauser jumped but went nowhere near him and fell off the roof."

Leon looked down. "Well that was easier than you would think."

Much Much later...

Krauser spotted Ada. "Hey, there's that dress in the red bitch! I mean that bitch in the red dress!" He threw a wooden block at her but missed. "Jesus, Helen Keller has better aim than this guy." Ada said. "Just lie my father, you missed!" She called.

Krauser leapt at her but instead crashed into a wall. He impaled the merchant with his arm. Krauser looted his body. "Hey! A Jill sandwich! All right!"

Meanwhile Leon found where Ashley had been taken. She was in a glass room. "Why would they keep another human being in . there?" He asked aloud. he opened it . "LEON HELP!" This was so lud it caused his hair to blow back. He shut the door. "Oh ok I see now."

Leon saw Saddler and he opened his mouth to reveal the eye. "Mr. Kennedy, time to die." He accidenly farted. Leon lit a lighter and Saddler exploded. Ada pointed the gun at him from behind. "Give me the sample."

Leon turned to her. as he held the sample. "You want this? You'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands."

Ada took the sample from him. "Damn it! Why did I have to hold the Sample in my Bob Dole hand?"

Ada flew by in the chopper. Leon called to her, "What are you going to do with it?" He yelled. Ada said, "Don't worry. I'll take care of it." The sample fell and shattered on the helicopter floor. Ada smiled nervously as it flew away.

As Leon and Ashley escaped on the boat, Ashley said, "How about when we get back to my place, we do some overtime?"

Leon thought it over. "Well I guess...though you are the presidents daughter...I don't know...I guess its okay as long as you cry ad beg me to stop! If you aint sobbing my dick aint throbbing!"

TBC...

_That's all for this chapter people! I hope you liked it! Sorry if its a bit short & if tif the jokes are lame but if you like, coolio! Anyway please read & review no flamers!_


	6. Resident Evil 5

_Hey people this took me a while to get back on track but here I go now! Finally the Resident Evil chapter of my parody :P As it has been so far this is still based on the you tube parodies by Yeti. Anyway I was thinking I may do a bonus chapter with Chris & Carlos getting fucked up on acid in Vegas, based off the movie Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas starring Johnny Depp, his weirdest role yet...I don't know I'm still deciding._

_The reference I do to the RE 5 being racist is just to parody the accusations of it being racist. I am not going to state my opinion but in this, I will argue for the sake of both sides._

_As for the racial humor I'm pretty much getting everyone including my own race. _

_Anyway I aint got much to say on it now so here goes._

_A.S. _

Chris got out of his jeep and a pretty black woman approached him. " Welcome to Africa I'm Sheva Alomar, I'll be your partner for this mission."

Chris seemed dumb struck by this and said, "Mission? I thought this was a vacation!" He was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and carried a suitcase and a Hustler magazine.

Chris got changed and then said, "I've been hearing they don't roll out the red carpet for us Americans...hehehehe red carpet...no but seriously what's the dealio on the government? How much progress has there been?"

Sheva looked confused. "Progress?"

Chris nodded. "Good! Glad to hear it."

They went to see the arms dealer and he said, "Good, you're both here. Grab your weapons."

Chris opened the case and looked down at it. "This is just two bananas! What the hell?"

The Arab man said, "Do you have any ideas how much weapons cost here?"

About ten minutes later Chris and Sheva got to a window where they could see an assembly about to execute a man. "Is that..." Sheva began. Chris turned to her. "What?"

Sheva said, "Our arms dealer."

Chris looked at her funny. "Arms dealer? I thought that was Aladin. I was going to ask him for a ride on his magic carpet and maybe a crack at his genie."

The man with the megaphone screamed, "He's a racist! Kill him!" The Arab man said, "I'm not a racist. I just don't like black people. They come in my store and read magazines but don't buy."

The axe majini cut his head off. Then the man with the megaphone said, "Now kill these two Japanese producers!"

A fan screamed, "Don't do it!"

The majini said, "These are the guys who made this racist game in the first place!"

The fan replied, "How is it racist? There are majinis of all colors! I didn't hear you complaining when it was in Spain!"

The majini shouted back, "That was retarded too! The named the village pueblo which is just Spanish for village! Come on! Then they named this place Kijuju which is very similar to the Swahili word Kijiji which also means village! Which by the way, why are we speaking Swahili, an East African language when we are supposed to be in West Africa? I could believe it if a dumb fat white American made this but I thought Japan was the smartest nation in the world?"

The axe majini killed one of the two Japanese men. The fan screamed, "Nooooo! How else will I occupy my day for 13 hours? Dude it wasn't racist! They even have Sheva, a black character in it!"

The majini yelled back, "Which they only did when people were saying how racist this game was! Besides look at how light skinned she is compared to the people they are shooting!"

Sheva sighed. "Here we go again... As if I didn't get teased enough in school for this."

The fan said, "Black is black! There's no difference! Its ridiculous to think that lighter skinned black people have it easier than darker skinned ones! Who ever heard of such a thing?"

The axe majini raised the axe to kill the other producer but the fan dove in the way sacrificing his own life. The axe majini raised it one more time to cut the last producer but the axe head came off and hit a majini in the audience. Chris laughed at that. "Boy did we find the right channnel."

The majini with the megaphone yelled, "He called us boy! He's a racist! Kill him!" The majinis began to charge toward them. Sheva grabbed her banana "Come on!" She yelled. Chris didn't move. "Hold on, its getting to the good part! This inter racial couple is about to get slaughtered by a whole village of angry Africans, let's watch!"

Then he said, "Oh...right." He took out his banana and they both started firing at the majinis.

They hit several majinis and killed them. Chris looked to the axe majini and said, "Do you ever wonder who that is under the mask?"

The majini took the mask off and revealed that it was Fat Albert. "Hey hey hey! That inter racial couple is like a little girl going into a pretzel store!"

The majinis looked at him and asked, "How is that?"

Fat Albert said, "They're about to get assaulted!"

The majinis laughed.

Then they continued after them. Chris shot a majini five times. "You will all convert to Christianity or die! Not the genuine one that says the meek shall inherit the earth...I meant the version that suits me."

Fat Albert said, "You're like a German porn stars mouth. You're full of shit!"

He swung the axe but Chris dodged it. "Well you are just like every father ever! You missed!"

However soon after, Chris and Sheva had killed them and they had the axe majinis weakened so Sheva kicked him. Then she put the banana to his head. "Wait! Don't kill me! I never touche an innocent girl in my life! I aint Bill Cosby! Just his creation!"

Later Chris and Sheva stumbled upon a bald man, who was a wounded BSAA agent among a whole bunch of dead ones. "How did this happen?"

The guy thought and said, "Well..."

(Flashback to ten minutes Earlier)

The BSAA agent was twisting his weapon around trying to look like an action movie star doing all sorts of tricks with it. "I love machine guns." He said and a BSAA agent said to him, "You should be careful with that thing, you'll accidentally shoot us!"

The man shook his head. "No**, **dude I'm a member of the National Rifle Association. Guns don't kill people. Non Christians do."

Just then he dropped the weapon and it discharged shooting all of them.

(End flashback.)

"Well..." The man said. "A giant monster attacked us and killed all of my team mates." He died.

Later Chris and Sheva came after Irving and Sheva finally had a real pistol aimed at Irving while Chris just held a knife. "Don't move you terrorist!"

Irving looked at her. "Terrorist? You're the African, not me! Besides I'm not like them! I'm a business man with staaaaaaaaaaaaaandards."

Chris told him, "Drop your pant...I mean drop your weapon!"

Irving said, "Or, how about you drop yours?"

Chris raised his eyebrows in arousal.

**Much much later...**

Chris and Sheva had just gotten done fighting the huge bat creature. "Who knew Oprah would be so evil?" Chris asked. Just then a man showed up in a Humvee. They got in and began to fire at majinis that chased them on motor bikes. Chris sprayed several majinis and said, "Haha! I beat the High Score of Colombine and Virginia Tec!"

The man driving asked, "So how do you like my new ride? Pretty sweet right?"

Sheva asked, "Yes, where did you get it?"

The man said, "Ebay." Just then the Humvee broke down. Chris sighed. "God damn it!"

(Flashback)

Chris and Jill burst into the room where Albert and Spencer were talking. "What do you mean I was manufactured? I thought you were my father?"

Spencer turned to the two BSAA agents. "Help! Get this maniac away from me! He thinks I'm some guy named Spencer but I never saw him before in my life!"

Wesker asked, "Why, what ever do you mean daddy? Don't you remember your own son? I'm the only one left!"

Spencer looked at Chris and Jill saying, "He made me wear lipstick!" Wesker smiled a creepy grin at the old man, almost a confirmation of his statement. He just sat there and stared at him for thirty seconds. Spencer looked at him and said, "You maniac! You want to become a God? You should have been named Hitler!"

Wesker grinned. He shoved his fist into Spence and pulled his intestines out saying, "They should have called you semi colon! Up high!" Wesker high fived Chris with a bloody hand.

Jill asked, "Why did you kill him?"

Wesker glared. "Because as a cripple, he was forcing a lifestyle on America that was immoral and a choice."

Spencer croaked as he lay dying, "We cripples are a proud people!"

Chris scoffed, "Yeah when you aren't drinking and gambling on your casinos and reservations...which we gave you!"

Wesker and the two agents proceeded to fight and Wesker grabbed Chris by the throat. "Let's finish this." He kissed Chris and then slapped him saying, "You broke my heart..." Then he attempted to rip his heart out.

Jill tackled him and they sailed out of the window. As Wesker fell he said to himself, _Yes! I get another wife!_

**_Even later Still..._**

Josh had picked up Chris and Sheva and was driving a boat. Just then as they were being pursued by majinis in boats Chris fired at them and looked to see why Sheva wasn't backing him up. Sheva and Josh were making out and driving the boat crooked nearly crashing them into a dock.

"Damn it, man! Pay attention to the road! This is not a movie, Josh! Its a video game!" Chris yelled and Josh manned the wheel again. Sheva nodded. "Sorry." She began firing. After they thought they were all clear they spotted a bigger boat and a majini was firing at them from a Machine Gun. Sheva fired and hit one of them but could not get a shot on the other one.

"Chris, shoot it! He's going to sink us!" She cried but as she turned to look, she saw that Josh had stopped the boat and he and Chris were kissing now. "Daddy likes chocolate." He said as he nibbled on Josh's ear lobe.

Sheva sighed rolling her eyes.

A few minutes later they had boarded the boat and Irving said, "Won't you two just die already? You're making me look baaaaaaaad!"

After a seemingly easy battle Irving lay dying. "You'll find the answer to what you are looking for in that cave...and..."

Then he died. Chris held his hand out in impatience. "And what?"

Sheva said, "Chris he's..."

Chris shushed her. "Damn it woman! I'm trying to find out what this poor bastard is talking about!" He looked at Irving and said, "Oh real classy, fall asleep in mid sentence."

Chris pulled out a device. "There is still a way to find out."

It was a toy, a Little People Animal Sounds toy. Chris said, "Pray to God this works."

_Ten minutes later... _

Chris tried the device again. "A cow says moo." Chris replied in frustration, "Look, we've already discussed this mooing of the cow and we'll have to agree to disagree! Now where can I find Jill?" He tried it again. "A pig says oink oink." Chris broke the toy yelling, "Damn your superior intelligence!"

Chris and Jill finally got to where Excella, Jill and Wesker was. "Excella Gone! Stop right therr!"

Chris said, "Yeah! Plus where is she from? I can't tell what that freaky accent is. All I know is I love her boobies. That is the sweetest pair of chesticles I ever saw and f they are real that would be great!"

Wesker grinned. "Hey Chris...I got married...again." He said nodding toward Jill.

Chris's eyes went wide. "Why would you marry him?"

Jill said, "Its not like you ever proposed!"

Chris said, "What are you talking about? I gave you a ring the day before we went to Russia!"

Jill sighed. "You got that out of a cereal box remember?"

Chris took offense. "Those come in a delicious box of crunch berries for a limited time only!"

He looked at Jill saying, "Why did you change your hair?"

Jill asked, "What's wrong with my hair?"

Chris said, "Its blonde!"

Jill exclaimed, "What? My hair is blonde?" She turned and angrily stared at Wesker. Wesker laughed nervously. "Its tradition in the Wesker family to have blonde hair."

Jill kicked him. "You bastard! I hate blonde hair and I hate you! Here's your ring back." She pulled the device off her chest and threw it at him. Wesker sobbed and ran from the room.

Sheva said, "We have to go after him!"

Chris and his partner ran to the elevator. "Jill are you coming with us?" He asked. Jill shook her head. "No, I have to go change my hair color."

By the time Chris and Sheva reached Wesker he was standing in front of them as if waiting. "Wesker, what do you hope to accomplish by destroying the world?"

Wesker looked puzzled saying, "I'm not destroying the world...I'm saving it! Just look..."

Wesker motioned to four little creatures that resembled the Telltubbies. "Tubby custard!" They yelled.

Wesker grinned his evil smile. "Soon everyone will be like them. It will be a child friendly peaceful world."

Chris kept his gun on Wesker. "Oh hell no!"

He shot the yellow one, Laa Laa and the other three began to attack. Tinky Winky kicked Chris and Poe punched Sheva.

(Battle music from RE 5 plays)

Chris is punched by Tinkie Winkie and Dipsy multiple times and Excella punches Sheva. Then Sheva kicks Excella and Excella landed on Poe, the red one crushing it with her breasts. Chris grinned. "That would be a great way to die." He fired at Wesker and Wesker dodged the bullets and punched him.

Sheva held a syringe in her hand that said ANTI WESKER. She injected it into his neck. "Damn! Why didn't I choose a different label...?" Wesker asked as he fell.

**Later still...**

Wesker saw Chris and Sheva being rescued by the helicopter after having lost the battle to them. "You're going to die too!" He said as his tentacle grabbed the chopper.

Sheva said, "We nee more firepower!"

Chris pulled out another device saying, "I have an idea." He pushed the button and just the the death star fired a green laser from outter space. It killed Wesker.

Chris said to himself, "More and more I wonder if its all worth fighting for...for a future without fear and two of the hottest chicks I could ever hope to get a threesome with? Fuck yeah its worth it!"

Sheva asked Josh, "Where did you find this helicopter?"

Josh told her, "Ebay." The other three gasped in horror as the helicopter crashed toward the water below.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx

_That's all folks! I hope you liked this chapter! The thing with Wesker having another wife was a re occurring joke through the you tube video parodies. I did most of the stuff shown on the videos with some touches I added. I didn't pu much effort into this story as I did with my serious stories cause its just goofing around. _

_Anyway should this be the last chapter or should I go ahead and do Chris and Carlos having a crazy night in Vegas in terms of bonus chapter? You choose!_

_Let me know your favorite parts, what you thought was funny, etc. _

_A.S. _


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